Ok so I’ve realised that I only every come to Tumblr when I’m happy or depressed. There is no grey area with me apparently. I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with me this week, serious state of depression! I need to tidy stuff. And clean stuff. And go to the gym. And be on holiday. And I’ve just sent a mini rambling essay to him..jeez what a sad act I am. I don’t...
My head is a mess. My room is a mess. My face is a mess. My hair is a mess. My nails are a mess. GAH. I dislike it. Nothing is organised. And I have no time. My bed is a mess. And my sleep is by FAR the biggest mess of all. New job, however, is going brilliantly. Diet is a mess. Big mess. He is the only remotely sane, normal thing I guess. A refreshingly clear cut situation. Thank fuck for...
pasteldreamer: “Drinking beer is easy. Trashing your hotel room is easy. But being a Christian, that’s a tough call. That’s rebellion.” - Alice Cooper
I am a different me.
You might say that I was all wrong. But looking back, I was fine. There was nothing wrong with me. I was merely conscious. I can go one of two ways. And I just haven’t decided yet. Let me be this again.
Stop doing this to yourself.
I don’t think anyone can even begin to imagine what I’m really thinking at any one point. There’s so much I don’t share. Even with the people I trust with everything. Yet I feel like its ok to tell everyone over the Internet. What is up with that? And I really want to tell him. Everything. So I think this is the first Christmas and New Year I haven’t had a...
OK so the thing I promised to myself that wouldn’t happen..has kinda happened. For fucks sake..c’mon brain/heart why do you always do this shit to me?! Bastard(s). On the other hand, I have re-discovered my love for Daniel Bedingfield which I understand is ultimately wrong but I don’t give a fuck. :/ ♪..I like you so much I’m acting stupid I can’t play the...
You are NOT better than me.
Token alternative rocker chick at work. 19. Piercings. Random. Clearly born in the wrong era. Foreign. Music that hurts everyone else’s ears but your own. And yeah, you open your mouth in disbelief but you’re not better than me kid, I get what I want when I want it because I make it my goal to get it. And you looking down on me, you thinking that you’re better than me…just...
Same old BS
Get the fuck off my news feed! Your inane status’s are a waste of my time. Sometimes I just cannot abide this culture yet somehow, involuntarily, I’m sucked into it and I feel incredibly ashamed that I’m the one to feel bad, to feel fat, to feel ugly. And no I don’t want to be a plastic blonde with fake tits and legs like matchsticks but…this society is constantly...
I love it. Its blue. Its velvet. Its christmassy. It WILL eventually look amazing. Stay away from bad things! Alright fatty, if you want to look bang tidy, fucking make the effort to look bang tidy. None of the following: White bread Pasta Full fat cheese Canned soup Refined sugar Chocolate Egg noodles Red meat Mayo Salad cream Biscuits Fizzy drinks Jack Daniels Fuck this is...
They Don't Belong In This Room.
Sometime you look at yourself and realise that you are just flesh and bone. We are not as strong as we think. Everything that we put into ourselves has an effect on us, everything. Whether it’s the smoke I’m inhaling, or the drink that gives me the shakes, its all relevant to what courses through our veins, what keeps our heart beating, what keeps our eyes open and what keeps our...
Frustration, makes it feel even better in the end →
Pure Love for this song…what a TUNE. Fucking hell… x
Oh hey there chilled-out-calm-collective-relatively-normal-human-being-Helen. Haven’t seen you in a while.. That’s right I’m actually (for once in my life)..CHILLED OUT. I think people must think I’m pretty easy going…and I am to a certain extent. Until I’m left to my own devices. But right now…state of elation. The only thing that would make this...
Your body isn't disgusting, society is.
"Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.."
Oh how I wish that was true, you absolute BELLEND. Skinny is…bittersweet. Kinda nice but leaves a horrible aftertaste. Worth it…? I’m not entirely sure. I do wish I was skinny again thought, just a little bit more proportionate..I would just be happy to lose like one stone! Or do I? In regards to something the lovely Annie said on Saturday (which I vaguely remember as I was...
Make it sound less like a business meeting and I might be somewhat more inclined. GR. x
It seems we spend the best part of our lives just…waiting. For results, for trains, for people….And when that moment that we’re finally waiting for actually comes, you can hardly believe its there..staring you in the face, just waiting to be enjoyed. And sometimes its inexplicably better than you ever imagined and sometimes its just soul crushing. So I’m just sitting here,...
'I wandered lonely as a Cloud'
Not a word of a lie..I truly did. And I just thought I’d let you know…you are absofuckinglutely delectable. Positively SCRUMPIOUS o.O ANYWAY. I seem to have become entirely socially inept this past week..for whatever reason I don’t know..but its certainly made me realise that even though I’m perfectly happy in my own company, I think and I ponder and I debate and I...
Thirty day challenge can fuck off as well. x
Je suis grosse..
Firstly, I may as well be invisible. Secondly, diet continues. Have fucked up in recent weeks (and today) A LOT but there is no way in hell that I am going to be this fat for skiing. URGH. I need to lose like…40 pounds or something. For once I actually don’t care if I don’t have boobs or an arse or whatever..I could really do with being a normal weight again because this is...
30 Day Challenge - Day 3
No one could ever be more heroic to me than you two <3 Dear Day 3’s (there are, after all two of you) You’ve saved me from a completely different life. From hardship, from pain, from oppression, from a dictatorship. You upped sticks and sold your lives for mine, for mine and Day 4’s. And I could never fully show just how grateful I am to you. I love you both. Simple as. ...
30 Day Challenge - Day 2
Well this should be simple. Dear Day 2 You’re not really…Day 2 anymore. You’re more..a friend, a close friend. Day 2 you don’t exist in this sense; the 30 Day Challenge. Much love, your spelling, Hells Bells x
30 Day Challenge - Day 1
I know who I instinctively choose and who I’ll love always and forever. Dear Day 1 You know me inside out, back to front. All of my OCD, my issues, my weirdness and habits; my hates and my loves. You’re brutally honest, blunt and you make me laugh. I could tell you anything, and I do. And it works perfectly. Competitive, beautiful and neverendingly stubborn, I wouldn’t be...
''What else should I be...? All Apologies...''
FUCK my actual life. Shit weekend, shit week ahead. Possibly the worst mood I’ve been in in a long fucking time. I’m a fucking fool. I never seem to learn that they’re just not worth this. Not worth this heartache, this hassle, this pain, this utter lack of self worth, this pity and this time. And I just can’t seem to forget. To put it out of my mind completely..to change...
Not Naming Any Names
30 Day Challenge Day 1 — Your Best Friend Day 2 — Your Crush Day 3 — Your parents Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative) Day 5 — Your dreams Day 6 — A stranger Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you...
And how can I breathe.. And how can I see.. Without you by my side? The words just won’t come The silence; it screams A thousand shallow lies.
We are different but the same Intertwined but miles apart No I won’t play your little games.. Because they break my aching heart x
things and stuff and things and stuff and things...
*WARNING. Don’t expect any insightful shit - my boring life lies ahead* So been a bit shit with the whole blogging regularly thing. Majorly stressful day at work today…so much to do, and not enough hours in the day to do it in! But about my weekend..it was pretttty lush :) Went to Cov on Friday to see my darling Ruthy in her gorgeous new flat…got completely fuuuucked and ate a...
Sometimes it seems we get entirely swallowed up by our plastic society, our fragile substance and our severe lack of perspective. You just have no idea. We can’t even fathom the scale of entire SHIT that we are in. Its fucking unbeliveable. And unfortunately we’re not blissfully ignorant; we’re ashamedly well aware. And its what keeps me up at night. I feel helpless. I...
SHE LOOOOVE THE CAKE.
I’m going to go weigh myself :O *prepares for tears of possible joy/pain* HOLDS BREATH. fml x
You’re full of drive, full of ambition..but what lies beneath that? Is there anything more? Any substance, any emotion just..anything else? You’re almost an empty vessel..but I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt. There’s no logic..no method in my affections. And you’re the opposite of anything I could ever want. This makes no sense. x
Brighten up August
I would like to go and get drunk in a field now please. Thursday HURRY UP :D x
Yeah so it turns out I can’t pick men for shit. I really do give up! x
"Such behaviours usually make the preoccupation...
Its taking every inch of my self control to not do this again. I need to admit it to someone, something. Its so difficult to not slip back into old habits. A psychological explanation would emphasise a person’s low self-esteem and the way they judge themselves almost exclusively by their appearance. They may demand perfection and an impossible ideal. By paying excessive attention to their...
Apologies Daddy x
I’m sorry for being shite in general. x
I hate you. I don’t want anything to do with you. Ever. x
JD et Kurt
I feel weird. I’m in on a Friday night :O My throat hurts. There’s phlegm. I have hot JD and Kurt <3 This diet business needs to occur properly. I really cannot stand the way I look/weigh. I am big. There’s no two ways about it. I am fat. Overweight. I’m not fishing. I just wish people wouldn’t lie to my face all the time. You don’t have to agree with me...
I love you. And the people that fill you..with all my heart <3 ALSO.. High fucking five for ending my 5 1/2 months! YES FOTHER MUCKER!! x
Food diary Day 1...FML.
Just had rice and curry. And a whole bag of raw spinach. I feel so guilty and admitting what I’ve eaten on here stops me throwing it back up. I thought this part of me was gone. Obviously I was wrong and it seems to have come back with a vengeance. Fuck I don’t know how I used to withstand this horrific stomach/rib area cramps. I got bad cramps today..stomach telling me to feed it even...
I’m becoming increasingly obsessed with it. Dreading mealtimes because its such an effort..its easier not to eat at all. Then when I am starving..and I eat…I just feel sick. Fruit is the only thing that seems to be ok. And gallons of water. Gr. This is sucky. x
People = shit
Sometimes I barely think they are worth the effort. But feminists annoy the crap out of me. Good friend of mine got punched in the face, spat in the eye by a drunk bloke over some CIGARETTES. For fucks sake you really don’t help yourself boys. Its events like this that lead to the generalisations that I can’t stand. E.g. I hate all men; all men are bastards. And honestly, that’s...
PUT THE HAIRCLIP DOWN.
So I’m alone in my house, cross legged on my bed, listening to Bullet’s first album..and feeling like I haven’t felt in a good few years. I nearly did something that would have never usually crossed my mind. I’m becoming increasingly obsessed with food. Its always in my mind.. SCRATCH THAT. Just got awesome news which somewhat proves that I’m not as repulsive as I...
jog time FATTY.
So I was reading a weight loss blog today..and at the end of the entry..it asked ‘what brought you here?’ And in all honesty..its pictures, memories and our plastic fantastic cluture that I feel I’m not good enough for. Why should that be my idea of perfect? But..will I ever be content with the amount of weight I lose? Theres always going to be something missing..something...
messy room messy mind
My room is an unusually huge mess. And I’m normally a complete clean freak so I’m not dealing with it too well..I’ve just felt so run down (and let down) these past few days all I’ve wanted to do is sleep. And eat. Urgh speaking of eating I’m sure I’ve put on loads of weight..I think I might return to the stricter diet. Grim. x
BORED of your trash
Tired of people who have exhausted their options and now the only thing left for them to do is become someone else. Just to get a reaction and just to make a scene. We are never just content with being ourselves, just for ourselves. We dress for others, we speak for others but only care about ourselves. And the girls wrapped up in their make up and their hair like their life depends on it...
You might know what I’m talking about. Look I love you…but you need to get over this now. How many times can you reject someone in favour of someone else? Just try to be civil. I’m not asking you to be best friends, just to make the effort that he makes. ENOUGH NOW. We are not children (surprisingly). x
'Hey Jude..refrain..don't carry the world upon...
Recent encounters have taught me something. Don’t get your hopes up..you’ll feel better for it in the end. I don’t feel too bad. Or like I’m not good enough. Because for once I’m realising that’s not what it is. And it may sound weird to say this but I’m proud of myself. For not slipping into that place I once was..just accepting things the way they are....
Its not the end of the world right? More drinking I say! x