Kill the lights.

Hmm

Ok so I’ve realised that I only every come to Tumblr when I’m happy or depressed. There is no grey area with me apparently. I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with me this week, serious state of depression! I need to tidy stuff. And clean stuff. And go to the gym. And be on holiday.

And I’ve just sent a mini rambling essay to him..jeez what a sad act I am. I don’t think we’ve got to the point where I can just spill all of my pointless, meaningless bullshit on him..its not fair on him! And I just did. WOW way to go.

And here I am doing it again! Whats with this self-deprecating BS?! I even annoy myself for God’s sake! I absolutely hate it when people are self pitying when they’ve got it so good and others have it so bad…and here I am doing exactly the same! I just need to man the fuck up but I can’t seem to shake this feeling right now.

And for the first time in a long time, I feel fat. But its not just fat just generally gross. And spotty and yucky and urgh. I don’t feel good about myself. I hate that! Because I haven’t felt like this in such a long time! The ultimate downside to a diet is beginning to analyse every lump, every bump, every bit of cellulite, every inch of stretch marks..becoming incredibly critical of yourself.

He makes me feel good though, he really does. I like that he doesn’t deal with my BS and just tells me to man up. Because that’s what I need <3

Drama over.

Chill yourself, bitch. <3

CAN.NOT.DEAL

My head is a mess. My room is a mess. My face is a mess. My hair is a mess. My nails are a mess.

GAH. I dislike it. Nothing is organised. And I have no time.

My bed is a mess.

And my sleep is by FAR the biggest mess of all.

New job, however, is going brilliantly.

Diet is a mess. Big mess.

He is the only remotely sane, normal thing I guess. A refreshingly clear cut situation. Thank fuck for that. Would quite like him to be here right now tbh.

x

<3

pasteldreamer:

“Drinking beer is easy. Trashing your hotel room is easy. But being a Christian, that’s a tough call. That’s rebellion.” - Alice Cooper

(via beckygrizla)

I am a different me.

You might say that I was all wrong. But looking back, I was fine.

There was nothing wrong with me. I was merely conscious.

I can go one of two ways. And I just haven’t decided yet.

Let me be this again.

Stop doing this to yourself.

I don’t think anyone can even begin to imagine what I’m really thinking at any one point. There’s so much I don’t share. Even with the people I trust with everything. Yet I feel like its ok to tell everyone over the Internet.

What is up with that?

And I really want to tell him.

Everything.

So I think this is the first Christmas and New Year I haven’t had a boyfriend since I was about…15.

I didn’t realise before but I’m not dealing. How sad is that..?

I can’t seem to do this on my own.

I seem to want what other people have.

Just someone to understand, someone to hold, someone to make smile…and I don’t see it happening.

Whenever I imagine myself when I’m older…I’m alone. Not in a depressing way. I just can’t imagine that there will ever be someone for me.

Everyone at the moment seems to have the love of their life. And I have my friends, and my family…but its really hard seeing them with their partners are realising..that I’m never going to have that or feel that.

I see myself in a pokey flat in Reigate..on my own. Possibly with a cat.

No jokes.

Bahaha.

I just won’t be good enough. I won’t be normal enough.

And in all honesty, I’m not looking for a boyfriend. Its not something you can look for it. If its meant to happen, it will happen. But its not. So it won’t.

There is someone. But not a boyfriend. I don’t really know what he is to be honest.

And yes I did the thing I promised to myself, to EVERYONE that I wouldn’t do.

But I don’t know if its because its him..or if its just because I want someone.

Is it him? Do I want him?

I don’t know anymore.

I’m seeing him soon…I might talk to him. But I’m so terrified he’s going to be like woooooah back it up there crazy lady I did not sign up for this.

Nah fuck that…I highly doubt he’s interested in anything I’ve got to say.

But I don’t want to get drunk and have random nights with random people…ocasionally I want to stay in with someone that I care about…with a shit movie and a bottle of wine. It seems like too much to ask for.

I’m slowly losing faith in men. I know know know there are good guys out there, that care, that worry, that want to look after you. But there isn’t anyone like that for me. And for fucks sake…I just need to accept it. DEAL WITH IT.

But we’re human. We all have a soul mate. Someone that you are meant to be with. Someone out there that is meant to be yours, and you are meant to be theirs.

No one is meant to be alone. We were created to create. To love. To hurt. To cry. To smile. To do this all with someone else, someone you can’t imagine your life without and something you just can’t and don’t want to let go of because its just so good.

oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck I can’t believe I just sent that.

x

o.O

OK so the thing I promised to myself that wouldn’t happen..has kinda happened.

For fucks sake..c’mon brain/heart why do you always do this shit to me?!

Bastard(s).

On the other hand, I have re-discovered my love for Daniel Bedingfield which I understand is ultimately wrong but I don’t give a fuck. :/

♪..I like you so much I’m acting stupid

       I can’t play the game I’m all intense and alive

        I’m losing control of my heart…

          I’m not supposed to be this nervous

            I should play my hand all cool and calm

              I can’t breathe…

                 I’m losing control of my heart..♫

                     x

You are NOT better than me.

Token alternative rocker chick at work. 19. Piercings. Random. Clearly born in the wrong era. Foreign. Music that hurts everyone else’s ears but your own.

And yeah, you open your mouth in disbelief but you’re not better than me kid, I get what I want when I want it because I make it my goal to get it. And you looking down on me, you thinking that you’re better than me…just rolls off me baby because I’m bitch proof.

I’m guessing you thought…how did that munter get that guy?

Bitch, PLEASE.

Hot to the touch and you wouldn’t even believe whats its like to kiss me..

I’m vain. And I’m marginally attractive but its not about that. Its about whats in your head (zombie, zombie, zombie).

Open the door to my mind and you just might find a little something to put a smile on your face, your own special place..with a bleak black sky and a beckoning eye that calls you to play with the paint.

Random. To say the least. Even I’m kinda weirded out..where do I get this BS from?! O.o

x

Same old BS

Get the fuck off my news feed! Your inane status’s are a waste of my time. Sometimes I just cannot abide this culture yet somehow, involuntarily, I’m sucked into it and I feel incredibly ashamed that I’m the one to feel bad, to feel fat, to feel ugly. And no I don’t want to be a plastic blonde with fake tits and legs like matchsticks but…this society is constantly drowning us in the idea that we’re not as good as we could be, we’re a shit version of ourselves and we need to buy stuff to make us look better, to make us fit in..to make us skinny.

I make myself look good for me, not so you can have a good stare you bellend…

x

New Dress <3

I love it. Its blue. Its velvet. Its christmassy.

It WILL eventually look amazing.

Stay away from bad things!

Alright fatty, if you want to look bang tidy, fucking make the effort to look bang tidy.

None of the following:

• White bread
• Pasta
• Full fat cheese
• Canned soup
• Refined sugar
• Chocolate
• Egg noodles
• Red meat
• Mayo
• Salad cream
• Biscuits
• Fizzy drinks
• Jack Daniels

Fuck this is gonna be grim.

x

They Don’t Belong In This Room.

Sometime you look at yourself and realise that you are just flesh and bone.

We are not as strong as we think.

Everything that we put into ourselves has an effect on us, everything. Whether it’s the smoke I’m inhaling, or the drink that gives me the shakes, its all relevant to what courses through our veins, what keeps our heart beating, what keeps our eyes open and what keeps our limbs moving.

And it makes me feel sick how much I abuse my body without even realising. Just the basic things we consume that we think are harmless or the hidden stubstances that we don’t even realise are there.

Now I’m more concerned with the inside, I’m feeling slightly better about the outside.

Someone has recently forced me to just tell my insecurities to fuck off. And no ones ever said that before. Its a miracle that I am this close, this honest, this intimate with someone without freaking out or worrying completely. I think its because he didn’t let me…he knew from the moment he looked at me that I was uncomfortable with the way I looked, like I always have been. He kinda took all those feelings and told me to get rid. To relax. And I did. And its had quite a profound effect on me.

I couldn’t tell you why I believed him when he said I looked good. Or why I listened to him. But I did..why him though? And no one else? Why not boyfriends that have said it in the past? Why not my best friends?

He’s very different to me. And I like it. Its so refreshing. Intelligent, ambitious, full of drive and incidentally gorgeous.

He actually makes the title of this blog…irrelevant…because I don’t need to kill the lights..

x